I read other peoples blogs, I used to write in LJ, but I realised everything on there was so depressing and every time I wrote, I sounded like I was losing my mind.
I have generally taken a while to get back to writing, well, anything actually.
So things in my life have changed since I last put pen to paper in a broadcasting my thoughts kind of way. I am polyamorous, I have a small child now, Maelstrom is over and Empire is now (and I have keen for it), I am at university studying midwifery, I go to the gym 4-5 days a week, and I am looking to take up a new 'something' to give me some me time.
So I will start briefly with the 'me time' issue. It is kind of tied into the rest of it I guess. I have a lot on, and I realised that most of the things I do alone aren't actually about me. (hear me out, it isn't as crazy as it sounds).
- I go to the gym because I have self esteem issues and anxiety, I live in a constant fear that I am so unattractive and overweight that my friends and partners will one day wake up and look at me and think.... 'why do I hang out with her?' and then they will realise how inferior I am and leave. Now in my mostly rational state as it is atm, I am aware that anyone who did that would be a 'grade A' jerk and really wouldn't be deserving of my time. The other reason I do it is because of my beautiful daughter, Arya (I will no doubt talk at major length about her later), I don't want her to grow up to hate exercise, or to have self image issues, so I need to fix my behaviours and thought processes now.
- My degree course, it is partly for me, I want a career I love and that makes a difference, even if it is in small, 1 person at a time ways, but also see Arya, I want her to be able to do things that I didn't get the chance for as a child, and I want to be able to contribute to a household without feeling like I failed at life, the degree is just to make sure that the energy I put into my work is worthy of it.
This brings me back to something for me, something I can go to alone and genuinely just cut back and relax without being a student, a wife, a girlfriend, a mother, or even a socially anxious crazy girl. (wasn't that brief a thing really was it)
Polyamory - it's a vast topic, and it's been part of me for longer than I think I would have liked to admit. When I was younger I didn't mind being in monogmous relationships, they were good, the one to one time was part of the deal, and then I got hurt, not once, but twice in quick succession, both of which were brought about by being lied to. It kind of kicked me in the self worth. I then struggled with relationships till I met a sequence of lovely men, who were all kind to me in ways I never believed I deserved. Then I met the hubby, about the same time I met the boyfriend, and I got on with both of them pretty well, and slowly like turned to love and friendship to something more.... with both of them, and thus I very drunkenly one night at maelstrom in the June asked Andrew about polyamory, and it is true, I am happy and polyamorous, whereas being monogomous made me unhappy. It works for me and my partners.
LARP, it's something I have been doing for 20 years, so I guess it makes up a large part of my life and past and potentially pschye, though I think why I larp is a whole different post. I am not an active table top rp'er, I don't find I get the catharsis, and I imagine in part that is the groups I have table topped with in the past. However, this is about the changes in my larping habit. I am moving, with so much else on in my life, to fewer obligations, fewer characters and fewer systems and taking up some crewing, so, if all is well, next year I will be doing Empire, and crewing something else. After my degree completes I will reassess to see if I have time for anything else as I am expected to be able to work 24/7/365, so holidays will be wanted and Larp is again something I will judge at the time, but for now I have a plan so that I don't lose my marbles. Empire was touch and go for me, I got lucky this year and met some old friends, some new friends and found a way to follow my story in the world, and even some plot (Player generated or not, plot is plot, and I like sharing it, it's like angst cookies).
My degree. I love the work, I love the women, but the coursework and commute is likely to run me into an early grave. I have 2 years left, but I'm not likely to graduate with my cohort, I have dropped hours and I cannot see any way of making them up under the guidelines for the Uni. I do however feel like I am doing good in my work, and that satisfaction is amazing.
Arya-Rose, my amazing, beautiful daughter. She was a surprise, but not a mistake. She had impressive timing in her arrival. Someone recently said having not seen me in a couple of years how different I was, how much more my life is together, and they are right. Arya isn't the biggest part of that, but she is a big reason for it. I have a responsibility to her to do my best and to work my arse off to make things better, to make my relationships work, to not self-destruct, and some days it is tough. I feel I don't always live up to being a suitable parent, and I try harder and at midnight when the insomnia hits I lie there and listen to her breathe, and that gives me the strength to push through. Though on bad days when she's at nursery I have been known to hide in a duvet fort and eat ice cream.
I feel my thoughts are generally more positive these days (I am not saying I don't have the bad days, but I think the sway is to the positive) so I think I am able to try and publish them. I cannot promise to be funny, or informative, or even revolutionary, but I can promise to be honest, and I am going to try not to post on bad days, after all, thinking about the bad day on a good day will probably be healthier and more informative.
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