What to post... CFS/ME it is

Today I wanted to post about LARP romances and the speed at which they develop (other people have done pro's and con's in funier terms than I could ever manage), but I am drawn to an overwhelming desire to actually write about CFS/ME and Parenting, so my first proper post I think is going to be about that.

This is my beautiful daughter, with her Daddy Andrew. and yes, she is sleeping, and the most precious thing in all the world to me. I would literally do anything to keep her safe and cared for. This includes leaving her at nursery for extra time, because I am not well enough to look after her. That statement devastates me.  I hate that there are days I am unable to look after her with the due care and attention she deserves because just looking after me (eating, drinking, leaving the sofa/computer) takes more energy than I have.

Things have been bad recently with the CFS/ME and I am genuinely struggling to play catch up with my energy levels. I have not had enough time to nap and catch up from extra stresses in my life, on top of child rearing, and Uni work.  In part this is my own fault for not managing my time better in the last year and getting my essays done to a satisfactory standard the first time round.

This means my parenting lately has been surrounded by guilt, guilt that I sleep in while Daddy Andrew and Daddy Luke take care of her. Guilt that I don't have the energy to run round a park, and that want I want to do with her is cuddle up on the sofa and watch episodes of 'Sarah and Duck' till I know the scripts (also too much energy to memorise though).

I was bought, very early on, 2 copies, at the same time, by 2 people in seperate parts of the country a book called 'Mommy is too tired to play' and the book makes me cry that it could potentially be me asking Arya to help round the house as I fail to do basic chores, or I rely on Andy or Luke to do things when they get in from work. But for now, and at this moment, that is kind of how it is.

It is not always like this though, and I have the better days, and this period is lasting longer than most I feel. I know it will get better, and I am doing my best to make sure things do get better, but it is in parenting that the full scope of this illness hits me hardest as I feel like a failure for not being able to be the mother I want to be.

This was a pretty bleak post. I will do better tomorrow with a lighter topic.