Heart skips a beat..

Anxiety is a funny thing, not funny haha, more funny peculiar.  You can't use logic to battle it, which to me seems odd, after all it's technically just an over-stimulation of your fight or flight reaction, which while I understand is a reaction that you can't control, you can take actions to slow it down, relaxation, yoga, meditation.... Thus improving outcomes (look at me, not even 8 am and I'm using health care buzz words, like I'm being conditioned or something)

Yesterday it started as a slow build of frustration. I tried to log onto the university library servers, just to be told that I couldn't, I could in no way access the intranet. My university doesn't give out aAthenslog ins, we can do it via an institution log in, except we can't half the time, and the other half is dependent on if the servers that hold that information are working.  So I went to the gym, do some running, exercise (see above list re rrelaxationand the reduction in stimulus of the hypothalamus because I'm not supposed to be being attacked, or at least I walked away from yelling at my computer about how a university can't seem to afford to run a reasonable server system).  Except it didn't work, instead while running I stressed about other things up to and including the fact that if we run out of time to do this, because it's over a month before my essay is due in, I can't even use the university's crappy servers as a reason for failing.

here is the peculiar thing, once the anxiety starts it becomes harder to slow down, so I got home and the stress of trying to make lunch became too much and saw me sit down on the sofa with a granola bar and a satsuma, then trying to push past that and do some work I sat and watched the BBC panorama on Still Birth from Monday night, which would have been ok, right until they started discussing the similarities in lack of public knowledge likening it to SIDS, and basically started accusing the medical profession and midwives of being negligent in holding back this amazing technology, that is really cheap (per pregnancy £15.... we have 9500 pregnancies registered in the area I work in alone, do the maths) and suddenly I then have my brain ticking over and telling me how I am a bad person..... Then there was relationship stuff, not helped by a well meaning friend, who just wanted it to be alright and tried to fix things by telling me I was being a control freak.

Thing is nothing felt in my control, I felt like I was losing the ability to do anything, I even managed to ruin dinner by over cooking the mince.

Today is better, but I still feel that weight in the base of my lungs, top of my abdomen kind of area, that tells me it's lurking, slightly out of reach and ready to swallow me again.  This isn't helped by a night of vivid dreams and a little girl who didn't want to be away from her mummy while she slept. Tired never helps.